An old man turned ninety-eight He won the lottery and died the next day It's a black fly in your Chardonnay It's a death row pardon two minutes too late And isn't it ironic Don't you think? It's like rain on your wedding day It's a free ride when you've already paid It's the good advice that you just didn't take Who would've thought It figures Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye He waited his whole damn life to take that flight And as the plane crashed down he thought "Well isn't this nice..." And isn't it ironic Don't you think? It's like rain on your wedding day It's a free ride when you've already paid It's the good advice that you just didn't take Who would've thought It figures Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you When you think everything's okay and everything's going right And life has a funny way of helping you out when You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up In your face A traffic jam when you're already late A "No Smoking" sign on your cigarette break It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife It's meeting the man of my dreams And then meeting his beautiful wife And isn't it ironic Don't you think? A little too ironic And, yeah, I really do think It's like rain on your wedding day It's a free ride when you've already paid It's the good advice that you just didn't take Who would've thought It figures And life has a funny way of helping you out when You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up In your face

(I believe in the Zodiac Yeah, I do, I'm a Leo, I love Titanic Uh, this is something a little bit more Something a little bit morbidly ironic, my grandmother Uh, she was a Cancer and She was actually killed by a giant crab This is a song about the idea of irony So strap in!) My dog's stomach was very upset So I put him in the car and we went to the vet And on our way to the vet I killed a cat Hey, I said isn't that ironic? I adopted a child from overseas To rescue him from child labor factories And on his very first birthday, we went to Build-a-Bear workshop Isn't that ironic? Isn't that I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C? A water park has burned to the ground, and a A tow truck has broken down I always used to cry when I laughed And then I was raped by a clown Isn't that ironic? I was watching Al Gore on CNN He was talking and talking and talking and then Out of boredom, my pet polar bear shot himself Isn't that ironic? I dated an animal rights activist And one day, she got really pissed Because I was eating veal that was wrapped in "pita" bread ("PETA"? Fuck it) Isn't that I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C? I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch And I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncle's "pull-out" couch Isn't that ironic? I-R-O-N-I-C Yeah, if everyday you play the board game Risk You've probably never taken a Risk in your life And Monopoly has far from a stranglehold on the board game market A little kid died from suffocation when he choked on a game piece from Operation And I can't grow a beard That one's not ironic, that one's just sad Bob Barker got all of my pets pregnant My grandfather had Alzheimer's And one day we were

Who Who am I to be blue Look at my family and fortune Look at my friends and my house Who Who am I to feel dead and Who am I to feel spent Look at my health and my money And where Where do I go to feel good Why do I still look outside me When clearly I've seen it won't work Is it my calling to keep on when I'm unable Is it my job to be selfless extraordinaire My generosity has me disabled By this my sense of duty to offer Why Why do I feel so ungrateful Me who is far beyond survival Me who's seen life as an oyster Is it my calling to keep on when I'm unable Is it my job to be selfless extraordinaire My generosity has me disabled By this my sense of duty to offer And how How dare I rest on my laurels How dare I ignore an outstretched hand How dare I ignore a third world country Is it my calling to keep on when I'm unable Is it my job to be selfless extraordinaire My generosity has me disabled By this my sense of duty to offer Who Who am I to be blue

I am the biggest hypocrite Been undeniably jealous I have been loud and pretentious I have been utterly threatened I've gotten candy for my self-interest The sexy treadmill capitalist Heaven forbid I be criticized Heaven forbid I be ignored I have abused my power, forgive me You mean we actually are all One, one, one, one One, one, one, one I've been out of reach and separatist Heaven forbid average, whatever average means I have been compensated for my Days of powerlessness I have abused my so-called power forgive me You mean we actually are all one One, one, one, one One, one, one, one Did you just call her amazing? Surely we both can't be amazing And give up my hard earned status As fabulous freak of nature? I have abused my power forgive me You mean we actually are all one One, one, one, one One, one, one, one Always looked good on paper Sounded good in theory

I am the harm that you inflict I am your brilliance and frustration I'm the nuclear bombs if they're to hit I am your immaturity and your indignance I am your misfits and your praised I am your doubt and your conviction I am your charity and your rape I am your grasping and expectation I see you averting your glances I see you cheering on the war I see you ignoring your children And I love you still And I love you still I am your joy and your regret I am your fury and your elation I am your yearning and your sweat I am your faithless and your religion I see you altering history I see you abusing the land I see you and your selective amnesia And I love you still And I love you still Haah... Haah... Haah... Haah... I see you and your selective amnesia I see you averting your glances I see you cheering on the war And I love you still I love you still I see you altering history And I see you abusing the land I see you and your selective amnesia And I love you still I love you still I am your tragedy and your fortune I am your crisis and delight I am your profits and your prophets I am your art - I am your bytes I am your death and your decisions I am your passion and your plights I am your sickness and convalescence I am your weapons and your light I see you holding your grudges I see you gunning them down I see you silencing your sisters And I love you still And I love you still I see you lie to your country I see you forcing them out I see you blaming each other And I love you still And I love you still Haah... Haah... Haah... Haah... I see you holding on to your grudges I see you as you gun them down I see you silencing your sisters And I love you still I love you still I see you lying to your country And I see you trying to force them out I see you blaming each other And I love you still I love you still

Sometimes is never quite enough If you're flawless, then you'll win my love Don't forget to win first place Don't forget to keep that smile on your face Be a good boy Try a little harder You've got to measure up And make me prouder How long before you screw it up How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up With everything I do for you The least you can do is keep quiet Be a good girl You've gotta try a little harder That simply wasn't good enough To make us proud I'll live through you I'll make you what I never was If you're the best, then maybe so am I Compared to him compared to her I'm doing this for your own damn good You'll make up for what I blew What's the problem... why are you crying Be a good boy Push a little farther now That wasn't fast enough To make us happy We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect

Call it what you want 'Cause I don't even care anymore Call me what you need to To make yourself comfortable I've not left the house in a while I've not felt a glimpse of ease And I have not made much headway Since I have come back from the war And I no longer give a damn Bout things that used to matter And I am covering my eyes As I am frozen on the spot Call it what you want 'Cause I don't even care anymore Call me what you need to To make yourself comfortable So I am debilitated I can't remember where the sentence Started when I'm trying to finish it And all of you are so frustrated And everyone around me is trying to help as much as they can My house is spotless, my lens is Skewed, my limbs they recoil And I'm folding in on myself Since I am out of order Call it what you want 'Cause I don't even care anymore Call me what you want to To make yourself comfortable So I am debilitated I can't remember where the sentence Started when I'm trying to finish it And all of you are so frustrated And everyone around me is trying to help as much as they can But I'm alone in this meltdown Of nervousness diagnosis Call it what you want 'Cause I don't even care anymore Call me what you need to To make yourself comfortable So I am debilitated I can't remember where the sentence Started when I'm trying to finish it And all of you are so frustrated And everyone around me is trying to help as much as they can Call it what you want Call me what you need to To feel comfortable

I miss your smell and your style and your pure abiding way Miss your approach to life and your body in my bed Miss your take on anything and the music you would play Miss cracking up and wrestling our debriefs at end of day These are things that I miss These are not times for the weak of heart These are the days of raw despondence I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this I miss your neck and your gait and your sharing what you write Miss you walking through the front door documentaries in your hand Miss traveling our traveling and your fun and charming friends Miss our Big Sur getaways and to watch you love my dogs These are things that I miss These are not times for the weak of heart These are the days of raw despondence I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this One step, one prayer I soldier on Stimulating, moving on I miss your warmth and the thought of us bringing up our kids And the part of you that walks with your stick-tied handkerchief These are things that I miss These are not times for the weak of heart These are the days of raw despondence I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this