(I believe in the Zodiac
Yeah, I do, I'm a Leo, I love Titanic
Uh, this is something a little bit more
Something a little bit morbidly ironic, my grandmother
Uh, she was a Cancer and
She was actually killed by a giant crab

This is a song about the idea of irony
So strap in!)

My dog's stomach was very upset
So I put him in the car and we went to the vet
And on our way to the vet
I killed a cat
Hey, I said isn't that ironic?

I adopted a child from overseas
To rescue him from child labor factories
And on his very first birthday, we went to Build-a-Bear workshop
Isn't that ironic?

Isn't that I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C?
A water park has burned to the ground, and a
A tow truck has broken down
I always used to cry when I laughed
And then I was raped by a clown
Isn't that ironic?

I was watching Al Gore on CNN
He was talking and talking and talking and then
Out of boredom, my pet polar bear shot himself
Isn't that ironic?

I dated an animal rights activist
And one day, she got really pissed
Because I was eating veal that was wrapped in "pita" bread
("PETA"? Fuck it)

Isn't that I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C?
I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch
And I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncle's "pull-out" couch
Isn't that ironic? I-R-O-N-I-C
Yeah, if everyday you play the board game Risk
You've probably never taken a Risk in your life
And Monopoly has far from a stranglehold on the board game market
A little kid died from suffocation when he choked on a game piece from Operation
And I can't grow a beard
That one's not ironic, that one's just sad

Bob Barker got all of my pets pregnant

My grandfather had Alzheimer's
And one day we were