I lay my head on the railroad tracks I'm waiting for the double E The railroad don't run no more Poor, poor, pitiful me Poor, poor, pitiful me Poor, poor, pitiful me These young girls won't let me be Lord have mercy on me, woe is me Well, I met a girl in West Hollywood Well, I ain't naming names But she really worked me over good She was just like Jesse James She really worked me over good She was a credit to her gender She put me through some changes Lord Sort of like a waring blender Poor, poor, pitiful me Poor, poor, pitiful me These young girls won't let me be Lord have mercy on me, woe is me Woo! Poor, poor, pitiful me Poor, poor, pitiful me These girls won't let me be Lord have mercy on me, woe is me I met a girl at the rainbow bar She asked me if I'd beat her She took me back to the hired house I don't wanna talk about it (hut!) Poor, poor, pitiful me (woo) Poor, poor, pitiful me (Hut! Never mind) Poor, poor, pitiful me (Woo-hoo, yeah) Poor, poor, pitiful me

If I'm ever to show my face in society again, I've got to find a new cause of my own and quickly. Come, come, any ideas? Daisy Greville has the old. Lady Sitwell has the blind And the fund for sailor's widows? That's the two of them combined Nightschool for the nervous? Lady Beach and Margaret Guest Crutches for the crippled? That was Elsie Ponds' bequest Wayward women Daisy Greville Who's behind disfigured men? Daisy Greville And the deaf... don't tell me it's Greville yet again. Everyone's got something can't you see why I'm bereft. I want to do some good but what the devil's left? What the devil's left? If I may your Ladyship, one hears about such terrible poverty in Egypt these days... Egypt. Land of the pharaohs and of Moses the Israelite. Home to the great pyramids and the sphinx. That's it! We'll populate an orphanage in Cairo, With foundlings from the reeds along the Nile. To watch a creature grow, to swaddle it and know the joy of its pathetic little smile It's little smile The news will travel soon enough to London To London Our selflessness will meet with great acclaim Huzzah The sniping will be stilled, and the empire will be filled, With homes for bastard children in my name. All aboard the Luxor express to Cairo. And off she went, What I failed to tell her was that a violent uprising against the empire was imminent And no british citizen was considered safe, so you can imagine my surprise when Lady Hyacinth returned to London quite unharmed. Oh where will my largesse be truly appreciated, I need a place so low that hope itself has been abandoned You've heard of course of the untouchables in India. India. Land of Hindus and Muslims, of camel run and saffron. Exotic and unknowable. That's it! We'll find ourselves some lepers in the Punjab. The hopeless and the wretched and the cursed. Forgotten and Unblessed Unblessed I'll take them to my breast Your Breast If Daisy Greville doesn't get there first. When we arrive, they'll hobble out to greet us Hello there Their toothless grins would melt a heart of stone Awww And every dilettante, will envy me and want a colony of lepers of her own, Now not a word to even your mothers til we leave although, Come to think of it what is the point of helping others unless you let the whole world know, Call the Times of London. And off she went, I neglected to mention the malaria pandemic in the Punjab A bit of insurance in case leprosy itself failed to prove contagious, So you can imagine my shock when Lady Hyacinth returned To London in record time quite the picture of health. I don't suppose you'd be willing to penetrate the jungle of deepest darkest Africa... Africa. From Zululand to Yoruba, Home of proud warriors that naked torsos rippling in the firelight. We'll civilize a village in the jungle The Jungle It can't take long to learn their mother tongue Not long then The words they have are six and five of them are clicks Click And all of them are different words for dong. And can't you see their frightful painted faces Their faces They'll teach us how to swing from vine to vine From vine to vine to vine It's Daisy Greville's loss, she'll never come across, a tribe of backward natives worse than mine. Their may appall us.But even they are part of God's design Awww We bid you all goodbye Goodbye Let all of London try, to find a tribe of natives worse than mine. Charity towards others is divine. Divine, Divine, Divine, Divine, Charity is Divine.

Ancestral Busts: Monty Navarro! You're here by invitation! Monty Navarro! You've wormed your way back in! But please resist the slightest inclination to feel at home! The ice is thin! Wipe off that grin! Oh, you may be clever but Monty you'll never win! You'll never win!

Monty Navarro, you know you don't belong here Monty Navarro, you're on a slippery slope Your presence is indubitably wrong here May we suggest We think you'd best Abandon hope Abandon hope But go ahead and take the tour As long as you are here Buy yourself a souvenir or two And one thing more Before you're out the door Sibella Will never marry you

For those of you of weaker constitution For those of you who may be faint of heart This is a tale of revenge and retribution So if you're smart Before we start You'd best depart You'd best depart An usher fainted in the aisle A nun from Leicester lost her wits You might avoid the first or second row Blood may spill And spines may chill It's ghastly - still We thought you ought to know It's only just past eight It's not too late For God's sake! For God's sake For God's sake go!

Why are all the D'Ysquiths dying? What grisly sort of plague is going round? It seems with every day A D'Ysquith slips away And here we are assembled putting another one in the ground It's frankly all been rather mystifying Do forgive me if I scoff: But is it not a trifle odd How they've all gone off to God Suddenly they're congregating underneath the sod Oh, why are all the D'Ysquiths dying What a tasteless way of showing off Why are all the D'Ysquiths dying It seems that all of London's shaken to the core To lose one relative One can certainly forgive But how can you excuse losing two Or three Or four Or seven Why are all the D'Ysquiths dying I've never seen such recklessness before It's unnerving It's not that they're not undeserving Really Why are all the D'Ysquiths dying When truth to tell so many others should Though Privately it was said They should all drop dead No one thought They ever really would I happened to notice there wasn't a lot of crying I even heard a snigger from the back Oh, it really is a shame How I start to feel the same How many are there left to bury after what's-his-name? I ask you Why are all the D'Ysquiths dying Whoever's next, I swear I won't come back I'm utterly exhausted keeping track And most of all, I'm sick of wearing black