LORD ADALBERT: Why are all the D'Ysquith's Dying? What could explain this tragic family curse? A night or two ago We were at Fidelio He's stood and booed the mezzo And today he's in a hearse! If I should say I wasn't concerned I would be lying One doesn't like to think of one's demise With such events you see How fragile life can be It rather makes me wonder if the Next one will be me So tell me Why are all the D'Ysquith's Dying? LORD ADALBERT: The family tree's been whittled down to size It's just a twig now! LORD ADALBERT: There's almost no one left to eulogize Except for you, dear Let us pray no other D'ysquith dies! Last Update: March, 15th 2015

Bang, bang, knocking on my door "Do you have a dollar? Would you like to fund a war? What's your carbon footprint and could you be doing more?" I tried saving the world, but then I got bored Ca-ching, ching, what you wanna do? Make a lotta money, buy a house in Malibu Show me if it's funny, if it's not, you don't need to I tried picking a cause, but I got confused How can you sing about love when the kids are all dying? How can you sing about drugs? Politicians are lying How can you sing about sex when the school is on lockdown, lockdown? Now, baby, maybe we're next Maybe we're next So shut up, the internet is mad They say you're problematic and you better take it back There's nothing you can do that Twitter won't misunderstand They won't feel any better 'til you feel bad And good God, we never catch a break Whatever's on the news, the other side'll call it fake I wish I was the Queen, I'd tell 'em all to eat their cake Maybe humankind was just God's mistake How can you sing about love when the kids are all dying? How can you sing about drugs? Politicians are lying How can you sing about sex when the school is on lockdown, lockdown? Now, baby, maybe we're next Maybe we're next I know my pool is heated Business class is where I'm seated And I'm whiter than the ivory on these keys I think too much about myself Drink my wallet and drive my wealth But enough about me Bang, bang, knockin' on my door "Do you have a dollar, would you like to fund a war? What's your carbon footprint and could you be doing more?" I tried saving the world, but then I got bored

If I'm ever to show my face in society again, I've got to find a new cause of my own and quickly. Come, come, any ideas? Daisy Greville has the old. Lady Sitwell has the blind And the fund for sailor's widows? That's the two of them combined Nightschool for the nervous? Lady Beach and Margaret Guest Crutches for the crippled? That was Elsie Ponds' bequest Wayward women Daisy Greville Who's behind disfigured men? Daisy Greville And the deaf... don't tell me it's Greville yet again. Everyone's got something can't you see why I'm bereft. I want to do some good but what the devil's left? What the devil's left? If I may your Ladyship, one hears about such terrible poverty in Egypt these days... Egypt. Land of the pharaohs and of Moses the Israelite. Home to the great pyramids and the sphinx. That's it! We'll populate an orphanage in Cairo, With foundlings from the reeds along the Nile. To watch a creature grow, to swaddle it and know the joy of its pathetic little smile It's little smile The news will travel soon enough to London To London Our selflessness will meet with great acclaim Huzzah The sniping will be stilled, and the empire will be filled, With homes for bastard children in my name. All aboard the Luxor express to Cairo. And off she went, What I failed to tell her was that a violent uprising against the empire was imminent And no british citizen was considered safe, so you can imagine my surprise when Lady Hyacinth returned to London quite unharmed. Oh where will my largesse be truly appreciated, I need a place so low that hope itself has been abandoned You've heard of course of the untouchables in India. India. Land of Hindus and Muslims, of camel run and saffron. Exotic and unknowable. That's it! We'll find ourselves some lepers in the Punjab. The hopeless and the wretched and the cursed. Forgotten and Unblessed Unblessed I'll take them to my breast Your Breast If Daisy Greville doesn't get there first. When we arrive, they'll hobble out to greet us Hello there Their toothless grins would melt a heart of stone Awww And every dilettante, will envy me and want a colony of lepers of her own, Now not a word to even your mothers til we leave although, Come to think of it what is the point of helping others unless you let the whole world know, Call the Times of London. And off she went, I neglected to mention the malaria pandemic in the Punjab A bit of insurance in case leprosy itself failed to prove contagious, So you can imagine my shock when Lady Hyacinth returned To London in record time quite the picture of health. I don't suppose you'd be willing to penetrate the jungle of deepest darkest Africa... Africa. From Zululand to Yoruba, Home of proud warriors that naked torsos rippling in the firelight. We'll civilize a village in the jungle The Jungle It can't take long to learn their mother tongue Not long then The words they have are six and five of them are clicks Click And all of them are different words for dong. And can't you see their frightful painted faces Their faces They'll teach us how to swing from vine to vine From vine to vine to vine It's Daisy Greville's loss, she'll never come across, a tribe of backward natives worse than mine. Their may appall us.But even they are part of God's design Awww We bid you all goodbye Goodbye Let all of London try, to find a tribe of natives worse than mine. Charity towards others is divine. Divine, Divine, Divine, Divine, Charity is Divine.

Ancestral Busts: Monty Navarro! You're here by invitation! Monty Navarro! You've wormed your way back in! But please resist the slightest inclination to feel at home! The ice is thin! Wipe off that grin! Oh, you may be clever but Monty you'll never win! You'll never win!

Monty, it's so strange. Everything will change. Think how our lives will be. I don't know what you'll do without me. Poor Monty, You're awfully handsome and smart. Poor Monty, You'll rise above. You'll put the loss of Sibella behind, And you will find someone better to love. Poor Monty, Have I just broken your heart? Poor Monty, Am I to blame? It may look bleak, but in a week, I'll wager you'll have forgotten my name. I think I can picture her now, Young and willing, Oh, it's thrilling! In a way you'll have me to thank. She'll be perfect, a shopper, a teacher, The sister of a preacher, or a widow with cash in the bank! Poor Monty, Cosy in a cottage for two. Oh Monty, Soon they'll be free, Nothing will stop, you'll ascend to the top, You'll own your own shop, Monty I guarantee. And I'll rue the day I turned you away, And I will say to myself: Poor me. I can picture us now; Very grand, in demand, Always somewhere exciting to go. Full of mayfair, we're limited, As lovers, and haters, For being the people people want to know. My husband, Will grow distinguished and grey. My husband, Will always be: Straight as a line, Steady and fine, Totally mine. Unfortunately, Dry as a bone, An insufferable drone, Dull as a stone. Poor me.

Monty Navarro, you know you don't belong here Monty Navarro, you're on a slippery slope Your presence is indubitably wrong here May we suggest We think you'd best Abandon hope Abandon hope But go ahead and take the tour As long as you are here Buy yourself a souvenir or two And one thing more Before you're out the door Sibella Will never marry you

For those of you of weaker constitution For those of you who may be faint of heart This is a tale of revenge and retribution So if you're smart Before we start You'd best depart You'd best depart An usher fainted in the aisle A nun from Leicester lost her wits You might avoid the first or second row Blood may spill And spines may chill It's ghastly - still We thought you ought to know It's only just past eight It's not too late For God's sake! For God's sake For God's sake go!