The Family Guy Theme Ringtones

Louis: It seems today, that all you see is violence in movies, and sex on T. V. Peter: But where are those good old-fashioned values, on which we used to rely? Brian: It used to be, a big time star was elegant as Garbo, or Hedy Lamarr. Stewie: But now we get whores like Jenny Lopez, you want to curl up and die. Lucky theres a Family Guy. Lucky theres a man who positively can do all the things that make us- Stewie: Laugh and cry! Hes a Family Guy! Louis: When I was young, the songs were fair, with Mister Johnny Mathis, and Sonny and Cher. Peter: But now we get Justin Timber-homo. Louis: A heartache all gone awry! Brian: The classic films were works of arts, the images were graceful, the stories were smart. Stewie: But now we get Matrix Revolution, Im sorry I know this doesnt rhyme, but what the hell were you Wachowski Brothers thinking?! Lucky theres a family guy, lucky theres a fella, sweeter than vanilla, wholesome as a piece of- Stewie: Apple Pie! Hes a family guy! Lois: His smiles a simple delight. Chris: He lets me see the boobies on the internet sites. Lois: Peter! Meg: He bought me my cute little hat. Brian: Yeah we should have a talk about that. About that! And his hat! Brian: Hes mastered the comedy arts. Stewie: He says, Look out, Hiroshima! Then casually farts. (fart sound effect) Lois: Hes loaded with sexy appeal. Peter: And best of all my titties are real. Have a feel! Brian: No thank you. Stewie: I gave it the office. Lois: The Brady Bunch has got their Mike and pretty Laura Petrie has Dicky Van Dyke. But who around here could fill those loafers? But heres a happy reply. Lucky theres a family guy. Lucky theres a man who positively can do all the thing that make us- Stewie: Laugh and Cry! Hes a Family Guy! Hes a Family Guy!!! Lois: Oh My! Thank you very much! What a welcome. Peter: I am gunna buy each and every one of you a beer after the show. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Im kidding for Christs sake, Im not serious. Thats expensive! Look, just the fact that I came up with the idea should tell you Im generous; I shouldnt actually have to spend any money. Meg: Uh, can we turn the spotlight down a bit? Brian: Yeah, it is a little bright. Stewie: You know Brian, I- I just noticed something. With that light shining on you from that angle, you look a lot like Jamie Farr. Brian: Yeah, youve told me that before and uh, its interesting, because Im thinking you look a lot like Britney Spears. Stewie: Really?! How so? Brian: Well, you- you got that thing going on with your eyes like Britney does. You know where You know how her eyes are just like a hair too far apart? Uh, a- a- almost like there was some immediate post-birth surgery that should have been done but it was the south, so they didnt have the medical technology. Stewie: Oh, I see. Chris: Mom! Lois: Yes honey? Chris: I have a wedgie. Lois: Chris, honey, wait until the intermission. Then you can fix it. Peter: Well, we got a lot of fun stuff lined up here tonight. We got music, we got comedy, we got behind the scenes crap from the show. Lois: Thats right! For example, not a lot of people know this, but in one episode of the show there was a flashback of Brian when he was a puppy. Now, they couldnt find a puppy who looked enough like him, so they actually built a dog suit for the scene, and the actor of inside the suit was Raven- Symoné, who was Olivia on the Cosby show. Brian: Fascinating bit of trivia. Peter: All right, okay, I got one for ya. You know the sound stage where we shoot Family Guy is the same stage where they shot the Golden Girls back in the 80s, right? Now one of the stage hands was telling me a- a pretty intense story. I guess there was one night when they were all ready to shoot, and uh, the audience was waiting. And uh, nobody could find Bea Arthur. So everybodys freaking out and uh, then one of the producers runs in and says Cancel the show tonight. Bea Arthurs in jail! Lois: Oh My God! Peter: Yeah. Apparently she had a little too much to drink before the show and uh, they found her standing on the street corner, exposing her penis to traffic. Brian: Oh My God! Meg: Ew! Thats Disgusting! Peter: Can you believe that? Brian: Wait a minute. How the hell can Bea Arthur have a penis? Peter: Eh, special permit. Stewie: I say, what is it with these actors? Theyre perfectly normal people in civilian life and then they come out to Hollywood and just go fucking berserk. Brian: You gotta watch your language, kid. Stewie: Oh, its a record album for Gods sake. Lets cut loose a bit. Chris: Nipples! Hehe. Stewie: Perfect example. Although I must say I am amazed at the language you can get away with on television these days. I- I was watching Law and Order the other night and I swear to god, I heard someone use the word balls. And I thought to myself, My God, that- that Dick Wolf just does whatever he damn well pleases, doesnt he? Bringing words like balls into Americas living rooms. I wonder how hed like it if I just walked into his living room a- and use the word balls. Brian: Uh I think that would be breaking and entering. Lois: You know, I am so glad they allowed us to bring Stewie this evening. The last show we did we had to leave him at home. They didnt allow babies in the theater. Brian: Well of course. People wanted to be able to enjoy the show Stewie: I am a show you lack-witted beetle head! Ugh! Oh what a night that was. My babysitter was a total bitch. Lois: Stewie! Thats very rude. Especially since your babysitter is here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Hailey Duff. Hailey Duff: Hi Mr. And Mrs. Griffin Peter: Howre ya, sweetheart? Lois: So was it really that bad babysitting Stewie? Hailey Duff: You want the truth? Well, okay. So after you and Peter left for dinner, I- No. Wait a minute. Lets tell this story right. Please.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies, and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry! He's a family guy!

Lois: ...Well I think you are the sweetest man in the whole world. Peter: Well this guy ain't going anywhere Lois. Hey let me tell you something. I know I haven't always been the perfect spouse. Lois: You do OK. Peter: I drink too much and leave the cans around the house. Lois: Well you do do that. Peter: And once I cleaned up Stewie's doody with your blouse. Lois: What?! Peter: I may be thoughtless. Lois: No you're not. Peter: I may be sloppy Lois: Well, a little Peter: I may be stupid. Lois: Well, a lot. Peter: But I'm yours Lois: You're figure isn't always what it ought to be. Peter: Eh, I gotta lose five pounds. Lois: But rollie-pollie belly's never bothered me. Peter: Thank you. Lois: Or that you scream for hours when you hurt your knee. Peter: (Breathes in) Ahh(breathes out). {Just like he did when he fell after finding the pawtucket scroll}. Peter: I may be chubby. Lois; Well, 296. Peter: I may be lazy. Lois: sorry, 298. Peter: I may be clumsy Lois: Only often Peter; But I'm yours Lois: What if one day a rapist attacked me? Peter: I would use him to mop up the street. Lois: You would? Peter: You bet. I got a left hook. Lois: What if he was big? Peter: I got a right hook Lois: What if he was a woman? Peter: I got a camera, freaking sweet. Peter/Lois: I/You may be brainless. Peter/Lois: I/You may be witless. Peter: I may be Irish. Peter: But I'm yours. Lois: And would you wash the dishes if I asked you to? That kind of thing is every woman's dream come true. Peter: I'll do 'em when this very special Coach is through. Lois: Will you empty the trash? Peter: I got a backache. Lois: Will you fix the toilet? Peter: I got a headache. Lois: Will you vacuum the den? Peter: I got a penis Lois: You're a sexist. Peter: But I'm yours. Lois: They say a man should treat his lady like a prize. A goddess Greek to worship with adoring eyes. Peter: But I won't do that Greeky thing of humpin' guys. Peter: I may be phobic I may be stinky I may be farting {farts} But I'm yours. Lois: Would you brave any hurdle to save me? Peter: I would slay any foes by the scores. Lois: Lions? Peter: I got a shotgun. Lois: Tigers? Peter: I got a blowtorch. Lois: The Christian right? Peter: I got a porno. Lois: That'll do it. Peter: Cause I'm yours. Peter/Lois: I/You may be dopey. Peter/Lois: I/You may be messy. Peter/Lois: I may be Peter. Peter/Lois: And I'm yours. {Applause} Brian: Hey, you smell something? Stewie: Oh, dear. Brian: What? Stewie: Oh, dear. Brian: What's the matter? Stewie: Oh you're not going to like this. Brian: What? Stewie: I just made a doody. Brian: Oh, God. Stewie: I'm sorry, it just slipped out unannounced. Brian: What do you mean "unannounced"? Stewie: Well, normally the doody schedules an exit interview before it departs, but this one seems to have no regard for protocol. Brian: Do you need a change? Stewie: No no, it's alright. Op, there's another one. Brian: Christ, let's hurry up and get to the next number. Here's a favorite of mine by the great Antonio Carlos Jobim.

They're creepy, and they're cooky Mysterious and spooky They're all together ooky The Addams family Their house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat Sweet Petite So get a witches shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family

Bill Nye, the Science Guy! Bill Nye, the Science Guy! Bill, Bill, Bill Bill, Bill, Bill Bill Nye, the Science Guy! Science rules Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill Bill Nye, the Science Guy! Science guy

Arms like branches of a poplar tree Eyes like the ocean or the great big blue sea Love just like my mother's with a price, it's not free Hoo-ooh-ooh, ooh-hoo, hmm Voice like my father's, when he screams the house shakes Dreams like my brother's, oh, we pray for his sake Hopes just like my mother's, only last 'til her wake Ooh-ooh-ooh-ah, ooh-ooh That's my family Oh, we don't like each other very much Oh, I'm okay with that But it breaks my mother's heart Ah-ah Ooh-ooh Ah-ooh That's my family When I'm alone, that's when I feel the safest Don't like being touched Please, don't give me a hug That's my family (that's my family) You're my family (you're my family) I found my family (I found my family) This is my family That's my family (oh-oh-oh-oh) Oh-oh-oh-oh-whoa (oh, whoa) Oh-oh-oh, oh, whoa Whoa, oh, oh, whoa Whoa, oh-oh Whoa, oh, oh, oh, whoa Whoa-oh-oh-oh, whoa Whoa-oh-oh, whoa Whoa, oh-oh

Ooh The greatest stories ever told Have a hero who must be bold They learn a sense of right and wrong And better learn the sense through song Musicals tell the impossible (The impossible) They evoke the philosophical, ooh yeah So tonight we're gonna chronicle A story so astronomical The last remaining story to tell The guy who didn't like musicals (Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em) (Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em) I mean what the fuck? (Didn't like, did not like-a-like 'em) He's the guy who didn't like musicals (Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em) (Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em) Yeah, what the fuck? (Didn't like, did not like like-a-like 'em) In the tiny town of Hatchetfield Lived an awful grinch named Paul He spends his days surfing the web And not singing and dancing with us all Should we kill him? Should we kill him? Oh, he pines after a cute little barista Isn't that worth a show stopping fiesta, yeah But for some damn reason He won't join our singing season What an ass What a bitch What a cock The guy who didn't like musicals (Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em) (Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em) I mean what the fuck? (Didn't like, did not like, did not like like-a-like 'em) He's the guy who didn't like musicals (Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em) Na, na, na, na, na... Na, na, na, na, na, ah... (Didn't like, did not like, did not like like-a-like 'em) It's the end of the world, Paul (end of the world) If you don't sing (if you don't sing) This is the bridge, Paul (this is the bridge) Where we globalize everything And the words will come to you We swear we will teach you What it means to love What it means to obey, Paul The apotheosis is upon us Yay! Did you hear the word? What's the word? He's a coming Who's a coming? Paul's a comin' Paul's a comin'? The star of the show Now for his headlining entrance Time to swoon at his leading man essence His name is in the title He's destined to go viral Here he is His name is Paul Enter now! Where the fuck is he? I have no fucking clue The guy just doesn't like musicals (Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em) (Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em) Yeah (Didn't like, did not like, did not like like-a-like 'em) He's the guy who didn't like musicals (Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em) Na, na, na, na, na Na, na, na, na, na, ah... (Didn't like, did not like, did not like like-a-like 'em) Ooh And he definitely won't like me, yeah (Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em) (Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em) (Didn't like, did not like, did not like like-a-like 'em) He's the guy who didn't like musicals (Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em) Na, na, na, na, na Na, na, na, na, na, ah... (Didn't like, did not like, did not like like-a-like 'em) Paul, you piece of shit

Granny Green was stooped as a windblown branch She lived high in the Bramble forest Once a fork night if the moon shown right She came down to her little village She brought blackberries and willow bark Mandrake root and mushrooms And it was said she spoke the tongue of birds And understood the river's whispers Now several girls among our town By a golden lizard they were bitten And those sweet girls lay stiff in their beads Like frozen ice upon the branches Granny Green mixed a tonic for their ills But it was such a bitter tonic That all who drink began to dance And could not stop their dancing But none would danced one sinful step If that old crone had not bewitched us How we leaped in Princeton cackle The whole town of driving mad men And so desperate grew some to still their feet They dove into the raging river Still we danced all day and night Til our fine clothes were torn and ragged I'm crying out "Oh Lord, make us stop" We danced naked around the chapel How granny laughed to see such sin There's just water, she said, in my tonic But all cried out "she lies, she surely lies" And we chased her deep into the Bramble But like before wind she disappeared Though we searched round and round the branches Rolling in leafs and naked 'neath the trees We lost the way back to our village But I swear we were all pure of heart Til that old crone did bewitch us And I know we will all go home When the good Lord returns to save us

I won't say it to your face So I'll write a song about it I won't say it to your face So I'll write a song about it I love you like a sister I love you like a sister I mean, come on We've been friends this long I love you like a sister So I watch you like a hawk Sorry but I just can't help it So when you talk about him And tell me the things that he tells you And the stuff he pulls off The red flags are a-poppin' The alarms are a-ringin' I can't say I'm his number one fan You call me to rant and it's totally fine We've both seen each other's ugly cry It's none of my business, but it kinda is 'Cause you talk to me about it all the time And I understand that you love him and I respect that But I kinda want to punch him in the balls Wouldn't it be lovely if you'd just dump the guy ASAP? Wouldn't it be lovely if you'd just dump the guy ASAP? We'll throw a big party I'll buy the balloons and the booze There'll be a buffet of Kleenex We'll be ready for the grand ol' cryfest Ice cream, Nutella and chips You name it, I got it But until that day comes I'll listen and wait patiently And tell myself Wouldn't it be lovely if you'd just dump the guy ASAP? Wouldn't it be lovely if you'd just dump the guy ASAP?

No more Mr. Nice Guy I'm wishing you believe in You think that everybody wants you Your nose is itching and you're so slow To tell me everything about you Yeah, but I already know you Don't believe in things that don't believe in you Believe in you All the things that you do will come back on you See them true You want to spend some time together Suspended like a feather But you're acting like a Nico Playing with your ego Always trying with the right crowd Never alone turn it up loud Don't believe in things that don't believe in you Believe in you All the things that you do will come back on you So, see them true (ah!) No more Mr. Nice Guy Don't believe in things that don't believe in you Believe in you Everything that you do will come back on you So, see it true (ah!) No more Mr. Nice Guy

Last night I was on the selfish side of lonely when I called you I was weak, I knew damn well that you'd pick up When I told you that I missed you, I meant it But we both know why we ended There was nothin' left to say So I guess I'll take the blame Go ahead and hate me if you want to Tell everybody that I did you wrong That my blindsided slammin' door came out of the blue And it was easy for me to just move on When the truth is that I loved you but you waited too long to fight Yours ain't the only heart that broke that night But since I'm the one who said goodbye You can be the good man who was only tryin' to love me And I will be the bad guy Could've stayed yeah When you said that you'd do better And don't think I don't wonder When I'm lyin' here wide awake If I quit too soon, but baby Yeah deep down, I knew the only way was out So go ahead and hate me if you want to Tell everybody that I did you wrong That my blindsided slammin' door came out of the blue And it was easy for me to just move on When the truth is that I loved you but you waited too long to fight Yours ain't the only heart that broke that night But since I'm the one who said goodbye You can be the good man who was only tryin' to love me And I will be the bad guy Go ahead and hate me if you want to Tell everybody that I did you wrong That my blindsided slammin' door came out of the blue And it was easy for me to just move on When the truth is that I loved you but you waited too long to fight Yours ain't the only heart that broke that night But since I'm the one who said goodbye You can be the good man who was only tryin' to love me And I will be the bad guy

She said, I never thought I'd see you here Hanging on this side of town What's it been, about a year Yeah, boy, look at you now I heard you got a new job Things are takin' off Just like I thought they would I said it's all good But you should see the other guy that's missin' you Late at night, he's wishin' you would come back home Girl, he can't move on And his heart still takes a beatin' Just livin' with your leavin' Yeah, it might look like I'm doin' alright But you should see the other guy As far as anyone can see Things are lookin' up these days Only let 'em see this side of me The one that's got it made Doin' everything I know to do To keep the truth From runnin' through my mind Yeah, I'm doin' fine But you should see the other guy that's missin' you Late at night, he's wishin' you would come back home Girl, he can't move on And his heart still takes a beatin' Just livin' with your leavin' Yeah, it might look like I'm doin' alright But you should see the other guy But you should see the other guy that's missin' you Late at night, he's wishin' you would come back home Girl, he can't move on And his heart still takes a beatin' Just livin' with your leavin' Yeah, it might look like I'm doin' alright Yeah, it might look like I'm doin' alright But you should see the other guy Oh, you should see the other guy

Well, I was passing by a pawn shop In an older part of town Something caught my eye And I stopped and turned around I stepped inside and there I spied In the middle of it all Was a beat up old guitar Hanging on the wall "What do you want for that piece of junk" I asked the old man He just smiled and took it down And he put it in my hand He said you tell me what it's worth You're the one who wants it Tune it up, play a song And let's just see what haunts it So I hit a couple of cords In my old country way of strumming And then my fingers turned to lightning Man, I never heard it coming It was like I always knew it I just don't know where I learned it It wasn't nothin' but the truth So I just reared back and burned it Well I lost all track of time There was nothing I couldn't pick Up and down the neck Man, I never missed a lick The guitar almost played itself There was nothing I could do It was getting hard to tell Just who was playing who When I finally put it down I couldn't catch my breath My hands were shaking And I was scared to death The old man finally got up Said, "Where in the hell you been? I've been waiting all these years Just for you to stumble in" Then he took down an old dusty case And said go on and pack it up You don't owe me nothing And then he said good luck There was something spooky in his voice And something strange on his face When he shut the lid I saw my name was on the case