Freshman year I didn't have a girlfriend or a clue I was a loser just like you Good times would only soar by I was gross, as every female would attest My sexting was a futile quest My little penis was depressed He was so lonely, poor guy I was hopeless, hopeless I was helpless, helpless Every time I'd walk the hallway, I would trip I was stagnant and idle I was so suicidal, and then Then, then, then, then Then, then, then, then Then, then, then then, I got a squip You got quick? Not quick, squip I've just never heard of it before Yeah, that's the point This is some top-secret, can't even look it up on the internet, shit It's from Japan It's a gray oblong pill Quantum nanotechnology CPU The quantum computer in the pill Will travel through your blood Until it implants in your brain And it tells you what to do So, it's like, drugs? It's better than drugs, Jeremy It's from Japan It's a gray oblong pill Quantum nanotechnology CPU The quantum computer in the pill Will travel through your blood Until it implants in your brain And it tells you what to do It tells you what to do, it's preprogrammed It's amazing, speaks to you directly You behave as it's appraising Helps you act correctly, helps you to be cool It helps you rule Picture this, nobody cares if you are late Cause even teachers think you're great Your weekend's just a full-on slate of blowout benders Of teenage rockstar splendor Right now you're helpless, helpless You are almost hopeless On the school social map, you're just a blip But if you take my advice and if you pay the listed price Well, then you go from sad, to interesting, to hip Your whole life will flip when you buy a squip Yeah, yeah, a squip Hey, a squip No longer a drip when you got in your grip A squip, a squip, a squip

Freshman year I didn't have a girlfriend or a clue I was a loser just like you Good times would only soar by I was gross, as every female would attest My sexting was a futile quest My little penis was depressed He was so lonely, poor guy I was hopeless, hopeless I was helpless, helpless Every time I'd walk the hallway, I would trip I was stagnant and idle I was so suicidal, and then Then, then, then, then Then, then, then, then Then, then, then then, I got a squip You got quick? Not quick, squip I've just never heard of it before Yeah, that's the point This is some top-secret, can't even look it up on the internet, shit It's from Japan It's a gray oblong pill Quantum nanotechnology CPU The quantum computer in the pill Will travel through your blood Until it implants in your brain And it tells you what to do So, it's like, drugs? It's better than drugs, Jeremy It's from Japan It's a gray oblong pill Quantum nanotechnology CPU The quantum computer in the pill Will travel through your blood Until it implants in your brain And it tells you what to do It tells you what to do, it's preprogrammed It's amazing, speaks to you directly You behave as it's appraising Helps you act correctly, helps you to be cool It helps you rule Picture this, nobody cares if you are late Cause even teachers think you're great Your weekend's just a full-on slate of blowout benders Of teenage rockstar splendor Right now you're helpless, helpless You are almost hopeless On the school social map, you're just a blip But if you take my advice and if you pay the listed price Well, then you go from sad, to interesting, to hip Your whole life will flip when you buy a squip Yeah, yeah, a squip Hey, a squip No longer a drip when you got in your grip A squip, a squip, a squip

Picked out a costume for tonight Made sure to get a size that was a lot too tight You can kinda see my business But I'll act like I don't know Whoa I got a condom And a flask I stole my older brother's Jason mask And I don't have a machete But a loaf of bread will do Ooo (Spoken) Who's ready for my Halloween party?! Everybody's got a red Solo cup Fill it up, fill it up Hear the beer spill on the ground Everybody's all like "Sup?" "Yo man, sup?!" Let's catch up, let's smoke up Look at how many drinks I've downed Every single song's like "Whup," they're all "Whup!" We're like "Yup! Turn it up!" As we stumble to the sound 'Cause a Halloween party's a rad excuse To put your body through mad abuse And I might pass out, but it's alright 'Cause I'm Halloween partying hard tonight It's Halloween It's Halloween (Spoken) Jeremy! I was afraid you weren't coming Did you get my messages? (Spoken) Play it off (Spoken) Am I late? I didn't even realize (Spoken) What do you think of my costume? I figured, you always see sexy cats, but no one ever goes as a sexy dog (Spoken) Uh, it's (Spoken) Vague compliment (Spoken) ...original I mean, amazing Seriously I can't believe I'm with a girl who looks like you (Spoken) You need a drink Crank the bass, it's Halloween Break a vase, it's Halloween Jello shots! It's Halloween Liver spots from Halloween Everybody's got a red Solo cup Fill it up, fill it up Hear the beer spill on the ground Everybody's all like "Sup?" "Yo man, sup?!" Let's catch up, let's smoke up Look at how many drinks I've downed Every single song's like "Whup," they're all "Whup!" We're like "Yup! Turn it up!" As we stumble to the sound 'Cause a Halloween party's a rad excuse To put your body through mad abuse And I might pass out, but it's alright 'Cause I'm Halloween partying hard tonight It's Halloween It's Halloween

Jeremy, you can't just listen. You have to obey. Now repeat after me Oh, everything about you is so terrible Everything about me is just terrible Good Oh, everything about you makes me wanna die Everything about me makes me wanna die Now you've got it But Jeremy Soon you'll see That if you listen to me Listen to me Everything about you is going to be wonderful We love everything about you! Everything about you is going to be so alive We could never live without you! You won't feel left out or unsure You won't be ugly anymore 'Cause Everything about you is going to be cool (cool) Cool! And powerful (powerful) Wow And popular (popular) Incredible (incredible) You wi-i-i-i-i-i-ill Be more chill! Hehe Be more chill Be more chill Be more chill Be more chill

Jeremy, you can't just listen, you have to obey Now repeat after me Woah Everything about you is so terrible (Everything about me is just terrible) Good Woah Everything about you makes me wanna die (Everything about me makes me wanna die) Now you got it But Jeremy, soon you'll see That if you listen to me, listen to me That everything about you is going to be wonderful (We love everything about you) Everything about you is going to be so alive (We could never live without you) You won't feel left out or unsure You won't be ugly anymore because Everything about you is going to be cool And powerful Popular Incredible You wi-i-ill Be more chill! I mean, chill Be more chill Be more chill! Be more chill! Be more chill!

C-c-c'mon, c-c-c-c'mon Go, go! C-c-c'mon, c-c-c-c'mon Go go! I'm waiting for my porno to load My brain is gonna freakin' explode And now of course it's time to hit the road Which means I'll be uncomfortable all-day But that really isn't such a change If I'm not feeling weird or super strange My life would be in utter disarray 'Cause freaking out is my okay Good morning, time to start the day! C-c-c'mon, c-c-c-c'mon Go, go! C-c-c'mon, c-c-c-c'mon Go go! Now, should I take a bus or walk instead? I feel my stomach filling up with dread When I get nervous my whole face goes red Dude, weigh the options calmly and be still A junior on the bus is killer weak But if I walk when I arrive I'm gonna straight up reak And my boxers will be bunchy and my pits will leak Ugh, God, I wish I had the skill To just be fine and cool and chill I don't wanna be a hero Just wanna stay in the line I'll never be your Rob DeNiro For me Joe Pesci is fine So I follow my own rules And I use them as my tools To stay alive I don't wanna be special, no no I just wanna survive C-c-c'mon, c-c-c-c'mon Go, go! C-c-c'mon, c-c-c-c'mon Go go! So, Jenna Roland said Madeline told Jake, "I'll only have sex with you if you beat me at pool" And then she lost at pool Deliberately! That is so awesome! Brooke! I mean slutty And the Madeline was all like- I'm telling the story, Jenna! Oh my God, he's like totally getting off on that Ugh! Yo, don't touch me tall ass! Sorry, I was just trying to get to- Jakey D! Yo, what's the story with Madeline? Oh, man, I shouldn't say But it's a good thing I rock at pool I navigate the dangerous halls Focus on a poster there on the wall Avoiding any eye contact at all And trying hard to remain unseen The poster's closer now, what does it say? It's a sign-up for the afterschool play It's a sign-up sheet for getting called gay And that's not what I need right now End scene I hang a left and there's Christine Christine Christine Christine Canigula Christine Did you say something? I... Uh- Well, that was smooth Yeah, that was super pimp My Mac Daddy game couldn't be more limp No time to wallow No, instead, just clear your brain and move ahead Accept that you're one of those guys Who'll be a virgin 'til he dies I don't wanna be a baller Just want some skills to count on If my nuts were any smaller They would be totally gone If I continue at this rate The only thing I'll ever date Is my MacBook Pro hard-drive I don't wanna be Clooney, no no I just wanna survive Michael! Jeremy, my buddy How's it hanging? Lunch is banging Had my sushi Got my slushie and more! The roll was maki maki and I'm feeling kinda cocky 'Cause that girl at Sev' Elev' gave me a generous pour You're listening to Bob Marley again, aren't you? Oh, I'm listening to Marley And the groove is hella gnarly And we're almost at the end of this song Yeah, that was the end Now tell me, friend How was class? You look like ass What's wrong? I wrote Christine a letter telling her how I feel That's progress! Yeah, I tore it up and flushed it Oh It's still progress It's all good! Hey, I saw on discovery That humanity has stopped evolving That's... good? Evolution is survival of the fittest, right? But now, because of technology You don't have to be strong to survive Which means there's never been a better time in history to be a loser! Ha! So own it! Why try to be cool when you could be- Signing up for the play! I was gonna say getting stoned in my basement, but- No! I mean look who's signing up for the play! Christine Christine Christine Christine Canigula Christine Christine Christine Christine Canigula Christine Canigula I feel my body moving through the air See my converse walking over there Take a shaky breath and I prepare Who cares if people think I'm lame? Christine signed, I'll do the same I grab the pen, I write my name Gay! (Hahahahahaha) (Ah, I like gay people) I'm never gonna be the cool guy I'm more the one who's left out Of all the characters at school I am not the one who the story's about Why can't someone just help me out? And teach me how to thrive Help me to more than survive (Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na) More than survive (Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na) More than survive (Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na) If this was an apocalypse I would not need any tips In how to stay alive But since the zombie army's yet to descend And the period is going to end I'm just trying my best to pass the test and Survive (C-c-c'mon, c-c-c-c'mon, go go) Survive (C-c-c'mon, c-c-c-c'mon, go go) C-c-c'mon, c-c-c-c'mon, go go Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!