My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish
Uh, she used to like to dress up as herself
And then act like a fucking bitch all the time

My show is a little bit silly
And a little bit pretentious
Like Shakespeare's willy
Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on

It's also a little bit gay
And a little bit offensive
Like Thanksgiving Day
Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on

So, put your cell phones to vibrate
And put your vibrators to cell phone mode

Welcome to the show, it goes a little something like this
Joke, exactly
Welcome to my flow, it flows a little something like this
With a rap and a dis, and a swift wrap on the wrist
A wrap and a kiss, like Hershey's wrapping a kiss
Shit, I got a show that'll test ya kids
Then ask one question, and that question is

What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny, f-funny
What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny, oh, yeah

Humor is often linked to shared experience
Like, a guy gets up and says
"Have you noticed that public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers?"
Oh, my god! Yes, I have!
Ha-ha-ha, really good point
They should fix that...
It's good to know that somebody finally gets me
Because my wife divorced me, which subconsciously forced me
To lose all sense of self
So, it's nice to think about hand-dryers and not that cheating whore
Because stand-up comedy is actually pretty easy
If you're an Asian comic, just get up and say
"My mother's got the weirdest fucking accent"
Then just do a Chinese accent
Because everybody laughs at the Chinese accent
Because they privately thought that your people were laughable
And now you've given them the chance to express that in public

Ah, yeah
If you're a musical comic
Just give 'em a little weird voice inflection
Then take a Viagra and slap them
With a rock-hard misdirection

What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny, f-funny
Tourettes!
What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny

Oh, and the audience says
"When I was a baby, maybe I laughed at people jiggling keys"
Now, I'm older and bolder
And just get mad, 'cause I notice that the keys are to a Hummer
Fuck my life, I don't fuck my wife
So, fuck my wife and fuck my life
And my son is gay but not "sitcom gay"
Daughter's a whore like another girl that used to be her mother
But the marriage made her "Miss Merry Americana"
I wanna teen without screaming prima-donna
But radical feminists made my wife a man

Oh
And if I die happy the situation will be
Autoerotic asphyxiation
I hate my life, and it hates me back
And my friend is black, but I don't know what to call him
So, I just call him
"What up, Jamal?"
Even though his name is Steve

I hate my job, I hate my life
Hate my kids, Hate my wife
Jews would know I do it, Judas beat me to it
I'm slowly slipping into a solipsistic coma!
And I masturbate, because I'm the only one
Whose standards are low enough to fuck me

What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny, f-funny
It's a boy
What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny, yeah
Hopefully this