Hey, folks! Begging your pardon 'Scuse me, sorry to barge in Now let's skip the tears and start on the whole Y'know, "being dead" thing You're doomed, enjoy the singing The sword of Damocles is swinging And if I hear your cell-phone ringing I'll kill you myself The whole "being dead" thing Death can get a person stressed "We should have carpe'd way more diems Now we're never gonna see 'em" I can show you what comes next So don't be freaked Stay in your seats I do this bullshit, like, eight times a week So just relax, you'll be fine Drink your fifty-dollar wine And take a breath Welcome to a show about death You're You're gonna be fine On the other side Die! You're all gonna die! You're all gonna die! I'll, I'll be your guide To the other side Though in full disclosure It's a show about death Everybody gets on fine here Like Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here The women's bathroom has no line here just Pee where you want, the whole "being dead" thing You're just gonna love the folks here Yeah, I know you're woke, but you can take a joke here And every show I do, like, a ton of coke here The whole, the whole "being" dead thing! Nobody is bullet-proof "I work out, I eat clean!" Jesus, pass the Dramamine Time to face the brutal truth (Dies Irae) 'Cause we're all on a hit list Might not live 'till Christmas Choke to death on Triscuits Hey, that just statistics So take a little break here Kinda like a wake here The scenery is fake here But there's a giant snake here Welcome to a show about death! You're, you're gonna be fine Thank you! On the other side How you doin'? Oh, not good! I'll, I'll be your guide To the other side Seriously, though, this is a show about Death is taboo, but it's hardly something new There's nothing medical professionals can do 'Cept maybe just bill you If you die while listening to this album It's still gonna keep playing There's no destiny or fate Just a terrifying wait Filled with people that you hate And on a certain date, the universe kills you! That's the thing with life No one makes it out alive Toss that body in the pit "Gosh, it's awful, ain't it tragic?" Blah, blah, "Bible Jesus" magic When you're dead, who gives a shit? "No pilates, no more yoga" "Namaste", you freakin' posers From the cradle to cremation (Dies Irae) Death just needs a little conversation I have mastered the art (Dies Irae) Of tearing convention apart (Dies Irae) So, how about we all make a start (Dies Irae) On the whole "being dead" thing God, I hope you're ready for a show about death!

Things have come to a pretty pass Our romance is growing flat For you like this and the other While I go for this and that Goodness knows what the end will be Oh, I don't know where I'm at It looks as if we two will never be one Something must be done You say either, I say either You say neither and I say neither Either, either, neither, neither Let's call the whole thing off, yes You like potato and I like potato You like tomato and I like tomato Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto Let's call the whole thing off But oh, if we call the whole thing off Then we must part And oh, if we ever part Then that might break my heart So if you like pyjamas and I like pyjahmas I'll wear pyjamas and give up pyajahmas For we know, we need each other So we better call the calling off, off Oh, let's call the whole thing off, yes You say laughter and I say larfter You say after and I say arfter Laughter, larfter, after, arfter Let's call the whole thing off You like vanilla and I like vanella You saspiralla and I saspirella Vanilla, vanella, chocolate, strawberry Let's call the whole thing off But oh, if we call the whole thing off Then we must part And, oh, if we ever part Then that might break my heart So if you go for oysters and I go for ersters I'll order oysters and cancel the ersters For we know, we need each other So we better call the calling off, off Let's call the whole thing off Yes, you say either and you say either You say neither and you say neither Either, either, a-neither, a-neither Let's call the whole thing off, oh, yes You like potato and you like potahto You like tomato and you like tomahto Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto Let's call the whole thing off But oh, if we call the whole thing off Then we must part And oh, if we ever part Then that might break my heart So if you like pyjamas (I like pyjahmas) I'll wear pyjamas (you got pyjamas) For we know, we need each other So we better call the calling off, off Let's call the whole thing off Let's call the whole thing off (yes)

If God owned the Bible He'd read it everyday If God owned the Bible He'd read it everyday If God owned the Bible He'd read it everyday

What it feels like when I'm next to you It's a soft touch that I read in to Was it just me? Did you linger for too long? But it's alright if it's on your mind 'Cause it's all I'm thinking all the time There was one thing that I wanted all my life (all my life) For real Somebody wants you Somebody cares (for real) Somebody wants you Somebody cares (then he said) I love you, this is a new thing One more drink, let's get to the bottom of it I love you, let's sort the whole thing out (Then he said) I love you, this is a new thing One more drink, let's get to the bottom of it I love you, let's sort the whole thing out Let's sort the whole thing out Let's sort the whole thing out I was broken in a million ways Then I met you and I saw your face I was certain I could not want something more Goin' crazy 'cause you're hard to read But I know you want this bad as me It's a good thing and I want you to be sure For real Somebody wants you Somebody cares (for real) Somebody wants you Somebody cares (then he said) I love you, this is a new thing One more drink, let's get to the bottom of it I love you, let's sort the whole thing out (Then he said) I love you, this is a new thing One more drink, let's get to the bottom of it I love you, let's sort the whole thing out Let's sort the whole thing out Let's sort the whole thing out I love you I love you Never thought I'd hear you say I've been hoping every day Never thought I'd hear you say I've been hoping every day (Then he said) I love you, this is a new thing One more drink, let's get to the bottom of it I love you, let's sort the whole thing out (Then he said) I love you, this is a new thing One more drink, let's get to the bottom of it I love you, let's sort the whole thing out Let's sort the whole thing out Let's sort the whole thing out I love you

Do you hear that sound? That beautiful sound? That is the sound, of clean, white, shorts turning brown Torture and pain Breaking a brain (this is so weird!) A sound that says I will never sleep well again The sound of a scream, is music to me A sound that says fifteen years full-time therapy Trauma and fear, it sings in my ear Ain't it the sweetest noise around, that beautiful sound? Ooh! Someone's at the door You wanna answer it this time? More than anything! Don't oversell it, act natural Come on, you're giving me advice? Hello, I'm with the U.S. Census Bureau, time for a few- Oh my God! Hi How many people live here? Just me Ohh, and you? I don't live here, I'm dead (ah!) Panic and stress (panic and stress) Oh ain't it the best? (Ain't it the best) The sound of heart (heart) Exploding inside a chest (exploding inside a chest) It fills you with pride We're ruining lives Ain't it the sweetest noise in town, that beautiful sound? Hey! You know what would make all this even more awesome? What? More me! All we wanna do is hear that sound All we wanna do is hear that sound Fellas! All we wanna do is hear that sound All we wanna do is hear that sound All we wanna do is hear that sound All we wanna do is hear that sound All we wanna do is hear that sound All we wanna do is hear that sound Ooh, ooh, somebody's at the door, alright Let's make some more people scream! Package for Deetz You know overnight delivery cost extra What a rip off Ohh! Okay, okay, shh! Pizza for Deetz Hey, what'd you order? Pepperoni, mushrooms and snakes! Snakes? Ugh, holy moly, a lot of people come to this house, lights! Hello? New neighbors? I brought you a pie? It's from the store! Oh I don't see anything Hi there, ahahaha! Hey Lydia, check this out- Dance break! Lady, you're forgetting something! Yes I hear that sound (yes, we do) That beautiful sound (yes, we do, it's beautiful) A sound that means No more condescending adults Hanging around Every groan Each wail and each moan Adds up to Daddy's leavin' Me the hell alone! Hey look at me (we're looking at you girl) I'm finally free You're finally free girl I was invisible (she was invisible) But now they all see They're out of my grill Because of that Shrill symphony Ain't it the Sweetest noise around That beautiful sound (that sound) Sound (that sound) Sound (that sound) Sound That beautiful sound That beautiful sound That beautiful sound That beautiful sound

Okay Listen up, I'm not gonna lie Right now, you couldn't frighten a fly Or scare a seagull off of a fry You ever stop to ask yourselves "Why?" Both of you are super polite Middle class, suburban, and white Well, all of that is finished tonight Except for the white part, obviously Take your places I want scary faces Now go! Bigger, further, harder Not bad Sever a head Preferably someone you know Look at me, I'm so scary Don't be so vanilla Would a little anger kill ya? C'mon, drop your panties I'm trying to fill you With wisdom and skill And the instinct to kill Again, we do not want to kill anyone Fine! But somehow, someway You gotta make 'em see ya' I'm talkin' jump scares The jerky Japanese ghost-walk, plus Learn to throw your voice Fool your friends Fun at parties Now that is cool! I wanna do that! Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy Raising the stakes by punching a baby Scare 'em awake 'til they break They'll be quaking in fright 'Cause you've got some evil deep down inside you Put all the farmer's markets behind you You've gotta work Gotta haunt 'til it hurts through the night And give those guys the fright of their lives Yeah, yeah! Let's start with things that you hate Hate's a very strong word Perhaps when people are late Or getting pooped on by birds No, what fills you with rage? Being mean to a pet Chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette Over-glutinous food Or when kids call me "dude" Oh, I find that so rude! Well, there's lots there to use Take a deep breath And give me your best primal scream Ah! Barbara, that was brilliant! Really? Try it again Maybe this time pretend like you mean it Ah! That was even better! Thanks! I want freedom But to get my freedom I need them To get a living person to say my name Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse? I know that beggars can't be choosers But do they have to be such losers? Both of them are deathly dull and lame Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse Why God, slash Satan, did you send these bed wetters? Even, like, a tax attorney would've been better Somebody with gravitas Somebody to fear who Excuse me, Mr. Betelgeuse So, we can kind of hear you Yeah? Well, that was a soliloquy so you're the one who's being rude Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy Turn all the lights on Dress like a baby Adam, I don't even— no! Get your heads in the game Let's hide their phones Screw their phones! Ugh, these dopes are both hopeless How will I ever survive? Unless they get the fright of their lives (yes, yes, we're feelin' it, they're gonna feel it, we're killin' it!) They gotta get the fright of their lives (we're scary, very, very, scary!) They'll never get the fright of their lives (yeah!)

This is it The day I've been waiting for Wishing, hoping, working, and praying for The day my parents have been delaying for years Ooh, I'm gonna sell some cookies It's not their fault that they're overprotective I was born with arrhythmia My heart is defective Only takes one shock and I could be dead from the fear Still, I'm gonna sell some cookies Hike by hike Song by song The Girl Scouts helped my heart grow strong They'd have my back if anything went wrong with me Jamborees, soda pop Distract me from the fact that my heart could stop From tetralogy of Fallot in my pulmonary artery! Whee! When you're a Girl Scout Everything's gonna work out Even if you're born with congenital heart disease And you could be killed by a random sneeze You're a Girl Scout Everything's gonna work out Just gonna ring the bell of this creepy looking house Hello, little girl Oh, um, yes, um, hi My name is Sky And I'm here today to support the Girl Scouts by selling cookies Four dollars a box Would you like some? Sure Really? Yeah What flavours you got? I've got chocolate, banana And oat bran, pecan Samoas and thin mints And one that tastes like apple pie Why don't you come inside? Well, we're really not supposed to Why? Pedophiles But it's so cold And you're not mean And no one gets molested by a gothy teen So I guess, okay, it's fine Yeah? Alright, I'll come inside It's so dark in here Is it? I hadn't noticed Okay... well- Maybe I should come back another time when your parents are home? Boo!