I'm that first-person they talk about in all the books
I'm that perspective you cannot doubt, see how I look
Control the narrative reliably, baby, it's all about me
And I wrote the book about throwing the book
At those who don't do it by it

So now I'm holding myself hostage
Stockholm lust just looks like justice
And enough lefts don't make the right but two wrongs do
Oh man, Sun Tzu would love this
Beating my dead high horse off the high road to low ground
'Cause if you shake your fist at snakes in grass
It looks like punching down

So, God forbid I'm seen just as an average human being
I mean, imagine if protagonists just died in the first scene
I'm the gap between a tragedy and comedy
Don't come at me
I'm the main character, and you have to like me

I loot plot armor from NPCs
Well, they are to me
Trite, tropes, traits, traumas, trinkets, and treats, it's all XP
Look in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's superego
The underdog you cheer for
Villains are everywhere, that's how I know that I'm the hero

So tie me to the train tracks, laugh, and snidely twist your mustache
Snidely Whiplash, Boris Badenov, ignoring me's bad enough
Where do you get off? Da, das vedanya, darling
Daleks in high collars monologue
And I outsmart them with a ray-gun and a tweet

So, God forbid I'm seen just as an average human being
I mean, imagine if protagonists just died in the first scene
I'm the gap between a tragedy and comedy
Don't come at me
I'm the main character, and you have to like me

Judge me by what my cover shows, author becomes beyond reproach
You don't know the prose or if the spine is still intact
Oh, like Alice fell to Wonderland, come astroturf my Overton
And embolden my demand to live by alternative facts

Her majesty says, "The Royal We demand a standard of loyalty
An agreement to be reverent, lick the emperor's new boots"
The court fool got the guillotine
The witches the stake, you the dopamine
And Siemens made the Zyklon B, but we all still get the flu
We all do what we need to to get through
(It's nothing new)
But I ain't done a fucking thing to you

So, God forbid I'm seen just as an average human being
I mean, imagine if antagonists lacked any evil scheme
I'm the gap between a tragedy and comedy
Don't come at me
I'm the main character, and you have to like me