Why, Mother darling, what's this?
Oh, dear. You weren't supposed to see that
It was meant to be a surprise
"Itty Bitty Geisha"? "Toyland"? "Gypsy Pasodoble"?
Just a few popular favorites
You're planning to sing?
Well it isn't a party without music
But Mother darling -
Gould and I have been slaving away like a couple of Phoenicians
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight... nine?
Not counting encores

Mother darling
Dearest Mother darling
I am honored more than I can say
By this wondrous, truly
Verging on unduly
Heartfelt motherly display
And you know how much I love your singing
As I've said so many times before
Every Christmas time
Every christening
Every time that you sing
I'm the first to shout "Encore!"
But, Mother darling
Let a daughter have her day!
It's a day for me
And all of us to shine
Though your "Apache Maiden Serenade" is too divine
The parents of the groom
Are just a wee bit formal
Help them think that we are normal
Mother darling
Sing a little song - not nine

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth..."
Please, Mother darling -
Well, who knows if we'll have another party?
Why, everyone's leaving
It's your mother's swan song!
Edie, cupcake
Mama's precious treasure
I am slightly mystified to learn
Of your sudden, urgent
Dare I say insurgent
Dearth of daughterly concern
For you know how Gould and I adore you (Yes)
And rehearsed for weeks on your behalf
Madame Butterfly. Tosca's aria
It's my best!
Let it rest! I'll just die if people laugh!
Laugh?

Decorum, Mother, that's all I ask! (Decorum!)
The best singers (You're a fine one to lecture me about propriety, darling)
The real professionals all know when to cede the stage! (Do you remember when the head-mistress called me)
When she doesn't get exactly what she wants, she positively spits venom! (because you were wearing lipstick to school? Temptation Red! And you were only thirteen!)
It's true! (I can tell you, the entire house)
Of course, Mother! You'll say anything to be dramatic! (Was languishing in adolescent shame!)
Ladies-
Please!
Let me get one word in!
I'm surprised by both of you today-
Both of you are way out of line (And this bossy, bratty)
"Bratty"? (Bordering on catty, most unladylike melee)
Whose engagement is this, anyway? (After months and months of preparation)
You would think the program was resolved
So ungrateful!
"Turkish Rhapsody"! (Not the rhapsody!)
"Venice Barcarolle"! (Not my barcarolle, darling!)
This is out of control!
Tell her, dear (Don't get me involved here)
Mother, darling (Edie, sweetheart) (Talking to the wall)
Let's let Daddy referee! (Darling Daddy, where is he?) (Not where he should be!)

It's a day for me
And all of us to shine!
Might I suggest a compromise
Is very much in line
With moonlight on the waves
Delphiniums in flower
Save Puccini for the shower
Edie, angel
Mother will sing eight... not nine

Fine
Fine?
Fine
Fine