I hardly think I'm qualified To come across all sanctified I just don't cut it with the cherubim The town's already on its knees Being worshiped is a breeze I barely know the words to any hymn Listen, if we don't comply With the locals' wishes, I Can see us being sacrificed or stuffed Let's be gods, the perks are great El Dorado on a plate Local feelings should not be rebuffed It's tough to be a god Tread where mortals have not trod Be deified, when really you're a sham Be an object of devotion Be the subject of psalms It's a terrifying notion All those prayers and those salaams Any normal man would bridle If he's forced to be an idol And a normal man's exactly what I am All the same, it's pretty clear The scoundrels don't keep much up here They must have zillions under lock and key But gods can force them to unleash Enough to make us nouveau riche Beyond our wildest dreams, so follow me Can't you see I won't relax If religious maniacs Tell me I'm all-powerful and sublime How can I be their belief When I'm lying through my teeth? Why don't we just say "Some other time"? It's tough to be a god But if you get the people's nod Count your blessings, keep them sweet, is my advice Be nirvana, be salvation Be all things to all men Butter up your congregation Every Sunday score a ten The alternative is dire Simply frying pan to fire So sign on two new gods for paradise (paradise, paradise!)

I have a dream, I'm here to tell About а wonderful fantastic new hotel Yes, it's one of a kind, right here in Hell Catering to a specific clientele (ooh-ooh) Inside of every demon is a rainbow Inside every sinner is a shiny smile Inside of every creepy hatchet-wielding maniac Is a jolly, happy, cupcake-loving child We can turn around! They'll be heaven-bound! With just а little time down at the Happy Hotel! So, аll you junkies, freaks and weirdos Creepers, fuck-ups, crooks and zeroes And downfallen superheroes, help is here All of you cretins, sluts and losers Sexual deviants and boozers And prescription drug abusers, need not fear While in our care, we'll cure your sin We'll make you well, you'll feel so swell Right here in Hell, at the Happy Hotel! There'll be no more fire and no more screams Just puppy dog kisses and cotton candy dreаms And puffy-wuffy clouds, you're gonnа be like, "Wow!" Once you check in with me So, all your cartoon porn addictions, vegan rants, psychic predictions Ancient Roman crucifixions, end right here! All you monsters, thieves and crazies, cannibals and crying babies Frothing mouth is full of rabies, filled with cheer! You'll be complete! It'll be so neat! Our service can't be beat! You'll be on easy street! Yes! Life will be sweet, at the Happy Hotel! Yeah!

Don't you disrespect me, little man Don't you derogate or deride You're in my world now Not your world And I got friends on the other side (He's got friends on the other side) That's an echo, gentlemen Just a little something we have here in Louisiana A little parlor trick, don't worry Sit down at my table Put your minds at ease If you relax it will enable me to do anything I please I can read your future I can change it 'round some, too I'll look deep into your heart and soul (You do have a soul, now don't you, Lawrence?) Make your wildest dreams come true I got voodoo, I got hoodoo I got things I ain't even tried And I got friends on the other side (He's got friends on the other side) The cards, the cards, the cards will tell The past, the present, and the future as well The cards, the cards, just take three Take a little trip into your future with me Now you, young man, are from across the sea You come from two long lines of royalty I'm a royal myself on my mother's side Your lifestyle's high But your funds are low You need to marry a lil' honey whose daddy got dough Mom and dad cut you off, huh playboy? Now y'all gotta get hitched, but hitchin' ties you down You just wanna be free Hop from place to place But freedom takes green It's the green, it's the green, it's the green you need And when I looked into your future It's the green that I see Now you little man, I don't wanna waste too much time You've been pushed around all your life You've been pushed around by your mother By your sister and your brother And if you were married You'd be pushed around by your wife But in your future, the you I see Is exactly the man you've always wanted to be Shake my hand Come on boys Won't you shake a poor sinner's hand? Yes Are you ready? (Are you ready?) Are you ready? Keep up, boys Transformation central (Transformation central) Reformation central (Reformation central) Transmogrification central Can you feel it? You're changin', you're changin', you're changin', all right! I hope you're satisfied But if you ain't Don't blame me You can blame my friends on the other side (You got what you wanted) (But you lost what you had)

It's not simple to say That most days, I don't recognize me That these shoes, and this apron That place, and it's patrons Have taken more than I gave them It's not easy to know I'm not anything like I used to be, although it's true I was never attention's sweet center But I still remember that girl She's imperfect, but she tries She is good, but she lies She is hard on herself She is broken and won't ask for help She is messy, but she's kind She is lonely most of the time She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie She is gone, but she used to be mine And it's not what I asked for Sometimes life just slips in through a back door And carves out a person And makes you believe it's all true And now I've got you You're not what I asked for If I'm honest, I know I would give it all back For a chance to start over And rewrite an ending or two For that girl that I knew Who be reckless just enough Who gets hurt But who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised And gets used by a man who can't love And then she'll get stuck And be scared of the life that's inside her Getting stronger each day 'Til it finally reminds her To fight just a little To bring back the fire in her eyes That's been gone, but used to be mine Oh, used to be mine She is messy, but she's kind She is lonely most of the time She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie She is gone, but she used to be mine

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey There lived a certain man in Russia long ago He was big and strong; in his eyes, a flaming glow Most people looked at him with terror and with fear But to Moscow chicks, he was such a lovely dear He could preach the Bible like a preacher Full of ecstasy and fire But he also was the kind of teacher Women would desire Ra-Ra-Rasputin Lover of the Russian Queen There was a cat that really was gone Ra-Ra-Rasputin Russia's greatest love machine It was a shame how he carried on He ruled the Russian land, and never mind the Tsar But the kozachok, he danced really wunderbar In all affairs of state, he was the man to please But he was real great when he had a girl to squeeze For the Queen, he was no wheeler-dealer Though she'd heard the things he'd done She believed he was a holy healer Who would heal her son Ra-Ra-Rasputin Lover of the Russian Queen There was a cat that really was gone Ra-Ra-Rasputin Russia's greatest love machine It was a shame how he carried on But when his drinking and lusting and hunger for power became known to more and more people The demands to do something about this outrageous man became louder and louder Ha-Ha-Ha! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey "This man's just got to go," declared his enemies But the ladies begged, "Don't you try to do it, please" No doubt this Rasputin had lots of hidden charms Though he was a brute, they just fell into his arms Then one night, some men of higher standing Set a trap; they're not to blame "Come to visit us," they kept demanding And he really came Ra-Ra-Rasputin Lover of the Russian Queen They put some poison into his wine Ra-Ra-Rasputin Russia's greatest love machine He drank it all and said, "I feel fine" Ra-Ra-Rasputin Lover of the Russian Queen They didn't quit; they wanted his head Ra-Ra-Rasputin Russia's greatest love machine And so they shot him 'til he was dead